Wednesday, March 26, 2008

what is wrong with me?

You always hear that pregnancy makes you emotional. Practically every movie and TV show featuring a pregnant woman, shows us some kind of hysterical, or tearful outburst. "She's pregnant", they say. "OH..... Yep--that explains it".

I am pregnant, but until this week, I have not been overly emotional. I have been nauseous beyond my wildest imagination. I have been more tired than I thought possible. I have felt deeper love for my husband than at any other time in our five years together. But I haven't been tearful.

Until this week. This week I have cried every day so far. And not the fake, only watery eyes kind of crying either. Hard, real, whole body crying. Sunday during church I had to get up and leave the meeting when after hearing from a father who had recently discovered that his toddler had a degenerative disease that would first take his ability to move, and eventually his life, we heard a beautiful song from the choir about The Savior's love for us--and it was too much. I was filled up with it all--life and death and love. And I thought of my child. I left bawling, hoping I didn't trip over my silly and much too high heels, and wondered what people were thinking.

"Oh she's pregnant...that explains it".

I cried last night when my husband didn't answer his phone. I started thinking about what if something bad had happened to him? What if he were in an accident? Those thoughts just turned into more sad scenarios in my mind, resembling some cheesy Lifetime Original Movie--I'll spare you the details--but by the time he called me back (five minutes later) I was crying so hard he couldn't understand me, and he was relieved to find out it was just that I was crazy and emotional, and that nothing was really wrong. "Don't worry," he said, "I'd cry too if anything happened to me".

"Well Drive Safe". I really cannot imagine my life without him. Our life without him.

And this morning, already--it's not even 10 yet, I cried when I read this.

Because I am emotional I guess. Because I am pregnant. But I also think its a little bit because while we are blessed to be carrying this little life inside us while we are pregnant, they connect us somehow--like a window-- to God, who made it all possible. That through this little soul, who is so new and pure--just starting out, we feel... a little bit closer to its Creator. And our souls feel more sensitive.

My mother in law told me that she always knew when she was going to have her babies because she would cry the whole week before. I still have five weeks to go.

I better go buy some more Kleenex.


  1. I would have what I told my husband were pregnant moments. I would just start crying, really crying, for no reason at all. It didn't start until later on in my pregnancy. They were totally embarrassing.

  2. wow, only five weeks! are you ready? I'm so excited for you!

  3. I had to go over and read the Segullah post by CJane. I think any woman who reads that would cry. I think you do cry more when you are pregnant because of what you said. Your life is changing forever...a new role is being introduced and you are changed forever! If that's not emotional, I don't know what is, but I do know that it's the most beautiful thing that ever happens in this world, when a wife becomes a mother.

    And P.S., expect to have more "my husband is dead, I just know it!" moments. They've been a part of my life since my pregnancy with Halle, and I suppose it's because we both have more to live for now.

  4. So beautifully put! Pregnancy for me has been an intensifier--it sharpens into focus those things that are really important (like family). I can totally relate.

  5. Great, well now I am crying. I can't seem to stop these days either. That is one of Landon's least favorite parts of pregnancy.

  6. It does not stop after you have the baby either. I remember a week after I had Ben, Brian said he would be home at 8pm and did not come home until after midnight (If I recall correctly he was with Travis practicing for some trial class....) I laid in bed convinced he was dead....He wasn't. i think it took 6 months to feel somewhat normal. But it is all worth it. Good luck!!!

  7. I can never make it through church without crying when I'm pregnant. It's only marginally better when I'm not pregnant now -- four kids in ten years, with an extra pregnancy in between each one, childbirth, breastfeeding, dealing with toddlers... Pretty much an emotional rollercoaster. When I was dating Matt one of my friends told him I was one of the most calm, balanced people she knew -- false advertising?

  8. Beautifully put. You are such a beautiful mother. I can't wait until your sweet little spirit gets here! It's been so fun for me to watch you transform during this pregnancy. It's the closest I've been to how it might feel.

    But I do have plenty of stories about how hormones can make you crazy emotional. Try shooting straight estrogen into your bum. Yicks!

  9. Every woman who is pregnant or has been pregnant can relate entirely to this post. I remember my pregnant sister-in-law sobbing during my cousin Rachel's sealing. Like, they aren't even that close...but she was just so overwhelmed. I think pregnancy is beautiful---excessive emotional episodes included.

  10. I'm so glad you are my sister-in-law.


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