My next 30 Years

I needed a photo of myself for something the other day and realized as I scrolled through my iphoto, that there are none. Like not one.

So I put my hair in a high pony, handed the camera to my nearly four-year-old daughter, and had her shoot away. She was thrilled since she is always wanting to play with my camera anyway. Little Ollie was so excited by the commotion that he toddled up to me giggling and grabbed my face to suck on my cheek (his version of a kiss!) She snapped away and of course those are my favorite (most are blurry and way off center but sweet nonetheless). I am just sad that there aren't more of those little moments captured with my kids.

I turn 31 today (so I am officially "in my thirties"), and I am vowing:

In my next 30 years-- I am going to take more pictures with my kids.

Even if I have to pay somebody to do it.

And also not stay up so late.

And today I am going to celebrate myself with some new boots. Happy Birthday to me ;).

Pretty Boy

This outfit is special to us because it was made for my husband by his great grandmother (his mom's grandmother), which means Ollie's great great grandmother. I really treasure handmade things like this and am grateful Trav's mom let us use it.

When this lad was born a doting old nurse proclaimed, "He's too pretty to be a boy!"

Which seemed utterly ridiculous, because to me he looks like such a boy.

But boyish as he seems to me, he's been mistaken for a girl several times in his young life -- even when he is wearing really boyish looking clothes. I am always a little shocked by it.

But...Rosy red cheeks, pink pouty lips, and big blue eyes...yeah, I guess I can see it. Maybe the bonnet doesn't help either?


Also thanks everyone for your sweet comments and advice about motherhood. I really do appreciate it. I know you all have busy lives and writing those notes takes time! I sort of laugh at myself after writing posts like that because they are generally in the midst of a crisis, and I often later think, "Why did I post that?" It may have been a rather desperate cry for help, but I am glad I did because I read those little notes all day as I dealt with a lot of screaming and sometimes through my own tired tears, and felt bolstered.

Oh I am so dramatic!

Anyway, thanks for being here and thanks for your notes!

love,
Danielle

A Miracle

I feel compelled and committed, to following instances of discipline with an increased measure of love.

To give lots of hugs and encouragement after time-outs. To apologize for raising my voice. To apologize for being too harsh. To apologize for my lack of preparedness, setting her up for bad behavior.

I have been apologizing a lot lately.

Where mothering a baby came so naturally and easily to me, mothering a toddler leaves me feeling often times unprepared and overwhelmed.

This child's baby self filled me with satisfaction. She only needed closeness, engaging responsiveness, and nurturing. I knew inherently how to give her those things. Her content being, and the ease with which our days ebbed and flowed, -- these were reinforcement that my instincts were right, that I was all she needed, that I was good at this job. Our union was harmonious. It was even easy.


She is three now.

She has started using the word "hate", and seems to find many circumstances where it should apply. She hates that I am distracted, or nursing the baby, or won't let her ride in her carseat without the buckles done. I hate how quick I snap, "We don't pee on the floor! We don't wipe our bottom with a blanket!" instead of calmly showing her the right way again. I hate that I screamed at her when she covered the baby's face with a pillow, so angrily that she pleaded and sobbed that I please not be mad at her. Because I wasn't really angry with her...she was just being a three-year old. I was angry that I felt so tired and out of control, that I wasn't watching closely enough and that something bad could have happened because of it. I hate that I too often take the easy way, and too often tell her "don't!" instead of showing her what to do.

Oh these toddler days--

They leave me feeling shaken. And tired. And questioning.

How do I guide her behavior without squelching her beautifully creative spirit?

How do I know when I am expecting too much, or not enough?

How do I instill confidence, and show her that she can be all that she wants in life, when I am so often unsure of myself? To keep her temper when I so often lose mine?

As she grows and develops her own identity and ideas, will I be able to help her navigate the turmoil? Will I disappoint her? Will I be enough?

My hope, above all else, is that she always feel loved.

And that I am able to guide her in discovering how exceptional she is,
despite being myself-- in most ways, quite average.

That, I am hopeful,

is the miracle of motherhood.

Maybe its the Rain...

It's one of those deep thinking days today.

I have so much on my mind and so many thoughts I'd like to share but not enough time or sharpness of brain to do so in a way that wouldn't leave me feeling embarrassed.

Mostly I am feeling grateful--that I have such a good life. That my trials are my own.

And sad for mothers who are struggling and who have to endure the suffering of their children.

Resolved to let my attention and focus spend less time with frivolous things.

Reminded that not everyone does think the same way that I do (and encouraged by/ thankful for that).

And happy for the abundance of good.

Box Fort

It was our secret bear cave, our helicopter, and our napping bed spot.

It was a lovely way to spend an afternoon.

This Young Lad...

Is well and happy.

Is 3 months old.

Weighs 16 lbs! Is 26 inches long!

Is now wearing mostly 6-12 month clothes.

Has lost most of his hair, but maintains his awesome natural faux-hawk.

Has blue eyes like his sister (and despite both his parents brown?!)

Is delighted by the discovery of his hands.

Is frustrated that he cannot get his feet into his mouth.

Sleeps good 10 hour stretches at night (mostly) in the crook of my arm.

Loves to grab my face, hair, and nursing parts.

Is constant kicking, wiggling, squealing motion.

Loves to be held and some good intense eye contact.

Generously lets us nuzzle his neck and munch on his cheeks to our hearts content.


We love him immensely.

Saying "YES"

(dad says, "yes" to ice cream after yet another trip to Home Depot)

It occurs to me now and then, how stinky it is to be a 2-year-old sometimes. Here you are, discovering new and exciting things on a daily basis, becoming more confident and independent, ready to go--do--explore, full of your own ideas about your surroundings and how you'd like to interact with them, ready for stimulation and adventure,

and constantly at the whim of somebody else.

And getting told "No" a lot.

Because there are errands and chores to be done, or too many obligations, or other people that need pleasing.

And you hear, "hold on one minute", "I just need to write an email/make a phone call/do some work", "maybe later", "maybe tomorrow" far too often.

How frustrating would that be?

Life has been topsy turvey for my little one lately. It has been full of change and disruption, strange men tromping around making loud noises upstairs, a million trips to Home Depot, interrupted naps, and exhausted distracted parents. And far too many "No's".

I often start the day by asking my girl, "What should we do today?" Her requests are usually simple-- "Play with Ella?" "Go to the park?" --and far too often go unfulfilled.

And so...
I am declaring today, a day of saying "Yes".

No reasonable request will be denied.
"Yes!" to the zoo.
"Yes!" to the park.
"Yes!" to a picnic.
"Yes!" to all three.
"Yes" to- play blocks with me?, one more book?, can I do it all by myself?

We'll do it all-- for as long as she wants.

And though I realize one day of saying yes doesn't make up for the consistency and stability children need on a daily basis (I really do try for that amid all this chaos)...

it can't hurt either.

And frankly, I am need of some of her sunny, silly, joyful, self to rub off on me. I have been far too serious and stressed out lately. I could use some 2-year-old perspective.

I am so grateful to be a mother.
What a lucky girl I am.

A follow up

So when I linked to the post about nurturing babies yesterday, I didn't really set out to write a post about that. I was having a busy day, sat down to check some emails and happened to read what Jane had written and thought it was so great and inspiring, that I wanted to share what she'd said. So I just really quickly jotted down a few thoughts of my own and that was it.

My point is that it wasn't a well thought out, articulated summary of anything. I mean I totally meant everything I said, but after having great conversation with a friend this morning about it, I thought I might like to add a few things on that subject.

And by the way, this is still just off the cuff, and not well thought out or articulated...I wish I had time for that!

1. First of all...I always think its really interesting to see what kind of comments people leave about posts like that. It seems like a lot of times people get really hung up on a tiny part of something people have written and sort of miss the big picture. In the case of Jane's post, several people felt they had to defend the fact that they either didn't sleep with their babies or that because their babies were good sleepers, that somehow made them a bad mother (or that that was what she was saying). Here is an example of part of one comment:

"My kids have all been champion sleepers and I hope you don't think I'm a bad mom because I love my kids enough to keep them well rested and myself well rested as well. I devote every WAKING moment to them, I can assure you."

For me, Jane's post wasn't really about what kind of sleeping arrangements you have in your family or that you should ascribe to any certain "brand" of parenting (you know...all the parenting style labels out there...speaking of which I actually kind of hate...but that is a subject for a different day!). I won't put words into her mouth, but this is the massage that I got from her post: Because babies only source of information about the world around them comes by way of their senses, and because of the important work that is going on in their brains in that first year of life, it is really essential that the information they are receiving comes in the form of nurturing. By nurturing and responding to your baby you are meeting their needs. You should consider all of a babies senses. They should be spoken to softly and often, touched gently and held close, comforted if they are upset, fed if they are hungry, changed if they are wet or dirty, and allowed to sleep in peace if they are tired. And these things should be done without reservation or limit. I mean...basic stuff. But the important thing is that just because babies can't talk, doesn't mean that no communication is happening. In fact it means that the communication that they are able to understand by way of their senses is more heightened. So whether you are tender and gentle, or rough and gruff, matters. And meeting their needs matters. And sometimes their need is just to be held. I also don't think that love and nurturing are necessarily synonymous. I think you can totally love your baby and not be very nurturing. And what babies need is nurturing, regardless of how much you "love them enough" to impose well meant restrictions on it.

I don't think I know a single mother who isn't trying to be nurturing to their babies...or at least who doesn't want to be. What I have seen are mothers who are afraid to be too nurturing because they have been scared into believing that by doing so they will somehow "teach" their babies bad habits, or to be manipulative etc. And for me, that was the wonderful massage of Jane's post. Babies have needs and it is important in their development to meet those needs. And I agree. And not because its scientifically explained, but because it just makes sense to me and rings true in my soul. You can't nurture, or respond too quickly or too much when it comes to a baby. That first year of life is about teaching them that the world is a safe place, that their needs will be met, that they are loved, and that people can be trusted. Babies are wonderfully straightforward that way.

Could I say the word needs any more?

2. I don't think that being nurturing to your baby translates into "devoting every waking minute to them". I think its totally possible to be a nurturing and responsive mother and also meet your own needs. I don't think we need to be haggard martyrs. But I also think it is dangerous to buy into the notion that mothers should be able to have it all. You know? It seems we are told that we can have babies, and that if we are vigilant enough, and start early enough, we can get those babies to fit neatly into our lives with as little disruption and inconvenience as possible, and should be able to carry on with as much time left over to fulfill our own desire to craft/exercise/decorate/be creative/cute/trendy/thin/ambitious/externally gratified as before you had a child. I am more tired after having a baby then I ever was before. I am fatter, less stylish, and less productive too. But I am also immensely happier. I accept that my life is different. I don't feel like I've failed because it is.

3. Jane's post was talking about BABIES. While obviously its important to love and nurture your children throughout their whole lives, the concept of how their brains are developing and why is so vital to infants should not be confused with how parenting should naturally evolve when children become toddlers and into childhood. I think a HUGE misconception about being a really nurturing mother is that it means you aren't also concerned with being consistent, having firm discipline, structure, consequences, and rules. And I'm not just making broad generalizations here. I have actually had people mention to me that they are surprised at how I parent my toddler (set clear limits, follow through with consequences etc.) based on how I had been with my infant. They assumed that because I tried to be so focused on being responsive and...I'm going to say indulgent, with my newborn, I'd have a hard time with the friction that comes with being firm and consistent with a toddler. I'm obviously far from perfect in terms of behavior modification techniques...but I heartily buy into, and strive to implement those things as a parent. Anyway, all I am trying to say is that being nurturing and firm aren't mutually exclusive and that babies and toddlers/children are very different and should be mothered differently (sort of).

4. I've kind of touched on this already but I want to say it again. Being a nurturing and responsive mother is about being in tune with the needs of your baby (and really also your older child) and responding to them. Its not about ascribing to a certain "Brand" of parenting. There is no one book or set of guidelines or method that will work with every parent and every child in every situation. Some mothers are able to naturally get in sync with the rhythm of a newborn baby and find it more easy to understand the communication cues they use to tell us what they need, and are able to respond effectively. Some mothers have a harder time with this and find its helpful to have a more structured approach with more concrete guidelines to help them decipher those things. There are tons of great books and resources out there to help parents who need it. I tend to be leary of those resources that focus first on the needs of the parents and not the baby/child. And any book that encourages ignoring your natural inclination towards nurturing your baby should be (in my opinion) met with serious skepticism.

I have noticed that generally our personalities tend to dictate where we gravitate when it comes to the specific methods we use. Obviously we all have different strengths and abilities--different levels of experiences--and different kinds of examples. And I have always felt that whatever the particulars of how a mother feeds, sleeps, and cares for her baby-- it is always with the goal and attitude of doing what is best for them. I know there are mothers who don't have this priority out there...but I really don't know any of them. Which leads me to 4.

4. Please don't be offended if I express opinions about what it means to be a good mother and also happen to have some aspects of my parenting that are slightly different then you. You know if you are a good mother. I think you are a good mother! If I say that I do something and think its good...it doesn't mean that I think what you are doing that is different is bad. At all. Or that with future children and future circumstances I won't do something different either. Not that you care. But I notice that people often get defensive in their comments when it comes to parenting and when I write or talk about this stuff its only because I want to share something that has been helpful to me, or I feel might be helpful to somebody else.

5. Sorry...I could talk about this all day. I guess the last thing I want to say about this is that while I do think that we really are all just doing the best we can to be good parents, through new insight and new information, we often (hopefully) have a change in the way we do things and become better. I mean isn't that the point of it all anyway? I linked that post because I feel that the message is good and true and that it inspires better parenting. And there is always room for that right?

I really love watching and learning from other mothers. I am so grateful for the opportunity to be one.

A loved brain

(my baby...feeling a little sick in bed)

Have you read this post? I love, LOVE what Jane has to say about mothering babies.

...because I happen to totally agree with it,

and because she manages to say exactly what I feel, think, and know to be true-- but am unable to explain quite so eloquently,

and because I want everyone to hear what she has to say about it,

and because she's had eleven babies.

I love what she says about babies not being able to understand the words we say, but they are fully (and I believe acutely) attuned to our voice, expression, smell and touch. And that by loving and responding to our babies' needs without reservation we are helping their brains develop as "loved brains" which will help them to develop as more emotionally healthy people throughout their lives.

I also want to point to something else she says:

"Over my lifetime as a mother, I’ve seen a quiet, concerted movement aimed at separating babies from mothers. In our society, women are cautioned to look after their own interests first. Modern methods encourage mothers to teach their babies to soothe themselves—that the ultimate success is to make your baby as independent as early as possible. Why is that success? A neat compartmentalized life doesn’t work with babies. Their needs vary from day to day and their deepest needs are often met at inconvenient times."

I find it so interesting (and am so glad!) that she mentions this because I feel this to be true, although I don't have a lifetime of being a mother to put quite as fine a point on it.

I have sometimes felt challenged in my mothering style, with warnings that by responding so immediately and indulgently to my baby, she would become clingy and insecure and dependent on me. But I never really doubted my instinct to mother this way, and have totally found the opposite to be true. As I watch my baby grow into a toddler, I see (and have others often comment on) how happy and engaging and confident she is. I know that a huge part of that is her own little personality manifesting itself, but I also know that she has a loved brain. And I'll proudly take some credit for that.

At any rate, I know that we all are doing the very best we can for our babies and our children, but sometimes having insight like Jane (and lucky for me-- several other of the mothers in my life) gives, encourages maybe a little shift in our paradigm.

I really want to quote, highlight, and add exclaimation points to about every paragraph she has written, but I'll just let you read it for yourselves. I know what she says is true.

Courage

So the thing is, I know I said I was going to write a whole bunch about parenting and all of my views and philosophies, and I never did. I started to...many times. In fact I have pages and pages of word documents about breast-feeding and co-sleeping and loving and nurturing your children. But I just couldn't get it to come out sounding right. And this stuff is important to me, so I want to get it right.

I was worried I'd sound preachy. I was worried I'd offend someone. I was worried I'd be misunderstood. And I was worried that subjects I hold near and dear to my heart would become debated and polarizing, and that's not what I wanted.

What I wanted was to explain about how I love being a mother. How in mothering I have chosen to follow what feels natural and right for my child and our family. How I respect books and other sources of information, while at the same time feel frustrated by the fear of not doing it all perfectly, they can sometimes create in mothers. (How awkward was that sentence...hopefully you get my point.) How there is more than one way of doing things right, and how we really really shouldn't be afraid to listen to our inner mother voice. We all have one...even the most reluctantly maternal of us.

And here is where I want to speak a little bit about co-sleeping. I have written pages and pages about this...answering lots of questions about the "how's" of it all. I promise I will post that (someday) I am not promising when. But I just wanted to say a little bit about it here because it kind of illustrates the main point I'd hoped to make in bringing all this up in the first place, and one that stirs in my thoughts daily.

So why do we co-sleep? I guess I have thought about all of the potential benefits vs. downsides to the whole issue--things that might appear in studies. But really, when it comes right down to it...none of that stuff really factors in to it for us.

The bottom line for me is that babies belong with their mothers. That's it. That's what I feel. That's what is for us. And to me that means in the day as well as in the night (and by the way, and maybe obviously, my husband is on board with all of this too).

What I want to say about co-sleeping is that it wasn't something that I necessarily set out to do as part of any predetermined set of parenting ideals (in fact I sort of hate that its even called "co-sleeping"...like its so outside the norm that it needs an official title). The truth is that while Avery slept in a little bassinet right next to me for her first months of life, I assumed that at some point she'd move into her own crib in her room we'd made for her down the hall. But as she got older, the thought of changing our little nightly getting-ready-for-bed routine to include leaving her alone in a dark room across the hall just seemed...not ideal to me (this is one of those places where I worry I will offend someone...please don't be!). I just felt like our little family should be together, and the only reason I considered putting her in a crib in her own room was because it just seemed like the thing that you were supposed to do. And actually, there were a few months were I'd start off the night putting her in her crib, and I'd just sleep in the bed in her room and by morning she'd be in bed with me anyway. We love our time together at night. Its the best time of our whole day. We're all there, clean and warm. We talk. We play. We cuddle. We nurse. We just are. Together. And for us...there is just no time that happens in the bustle of the day that compares with that. It's Yin and Yang. Our evening and night time is just part our little eco-system...although it took some evolving to get to that point. The thing is...the process of deciding to co-sleep had really nothing to do with deciding to co-sleep. It had everything to do with deciding that I could trust what felt right for us. Co-sleeping was just the natural by-product of that.

I know that people have all kinds of reasons why having their baby sleep with them wouldn't work. I am not certain that it will always work for us. But what I have learned is to stop setting artificial deadlines and expectations about that kind of thing. We'll just figure it out as we go. And I know...with out a doubt, its going to be just fine.

And here's where I bear my soul.

I relish my little girl. I try my hardest to soak her in every day. Each look she gives, each new voice inflection, or word, or question. I just breathe it. And I don't want a break from it. The way I see it-- life is uncertain, and if I can have 8 more hours a day of her...I'll gladly take it. And really, really...what else is there?

And that's it. I just miss her too much to put her in her own bed. And it turns out, she did not become a crazy, mal-adjusted monster. She is perfectly sweet and happy and well. And we are too.

So the point of all this was not to convince you to co-sleep with your baby. The point was to give you maybe a little more courage to trust yourself in your mothering journey. Don't make decisions based on fear. Be guided by love and your children's needs, and things will work out wonderfully. Even if it didn't say so in a book.

I'm positive.

*POST EDIT: After reading some of the comments responding to this post I wanted to make something really clear. I don't think that co-sleeping is right for everyone, nor do I think that it makes you a better parent. I know LOTS of parents who are just as caring, nurturing, in-tune and bonded with their babies who don't co-sleep. In fact the majority of them don't. The point of this blog wasn't to say that if you are good parent, then you should come to the same conclusions about parenting as I have. The point was to say that there are MANY ways to be a good parent and that we should have the courage to do the things that feel right for us. In writing about my experience with co-sleeping, I hoped to illustrate this point, as well as give some insight into it for people who may be considering it as an option, but are afraid based on negative examples or false information. For me, at this point in our lives, it works. And I love it. But it is also one small facet of our life and our family, and parenting like most things in life is a growing and changing thing. I think through examples of others, and personal growth and insight we evolve (hopefully) and I am just trying to contribute to that dialogue. I really appreciate everyone's comments and differing perspectives. That's the whole point!

Glad

This morning after we'd had our bath, I was attempting to get dressed and Avery was perched on my bed, waiting for her turn. As I surveyed my options Avery's little arm flew up, index finger pointed sharply at my closet. "Dat," she said.

She has learned that simply pointing at something and uttering oh so cutely, "dat!" will usually get me to drop anything and take her to whatever "dat" might be. And so I did. We started at one end of the closet and she excitedly grabbed each one of Trav's colorful plaid work shirts. Then she'd point at something else, "dat!" and we'd switch over to my brightly colored skirts which she'd carefully touch.

Silky skirt, rough wool coat, back to silky, back to rough, over to soft sweaters, back to hot pink skirt. Look at me...look at the clothes. Touch buttons, pull drawstrings, squeeze this, tug that.

And after about five minutes she was satisfied with the contents of our closet and switched her attention to a pair of lint removers that were stuck together on the floor, and crawled off to see about them.

Isn't it marvelous that encouraging creativity in children doesn't always have to involve elaborate paint and marker sets, or trips to museums. Sometimes it can happen just as satisfactorily at 8 am, half naked, on the floor of your closet.

And so I tell Avery, "Shh...this can just be our secret",

because we really do feel bad that dad has to be at work all day, while we get to be home having all this fun.

And boy am I grateful.

On Mothering

So it seems that there is no other topic more polarizing than mothering. What I mean is that, it seems no other subject can make us as defensive of our own beliefs, or as judgmental of others, as the way by which we choose to raise and rear our children. At least among me and my peers.

And really...its probably a good thing.

We all want to be good mothers. We all want to do all the things we think are absolutely best for our children. And based on our own personalities, experience, knowledge and examples, we all come to slightly--or in some cases, drastically--different conclusions on what that means. And so we feel threatened when an alternative is suggested because it could mean that possibly...if a different way exists...a better way exists. And we feel guilty. Or Critical. Because we all believe that our way of doing things is the best way of doing things...or we wouldn't do it. Right?

I often shy away from talking about some of my mothering practices or philosophies. Because although philosophically I think I am basically on the same page with most mothers I know, in practice, I find myself often in the minority when it comes a lot of the fundamental, day to day goings on. So I try to keep my mouth shut (although if you know me you might seriously disagree) Partly because I don't want to have to defend my parenting choices (especially ones I hold dear and sort of sacred), and partly because I don't want to make those mothers around me feel like they have to defend theirs.

However, I think that sometimes people mistake my hesitancy to discuss, as me being hesitant or haphazard in my decisions or beliefs. On the contrary I have pretty firm and deeply rooted fundamental parenting philosophies and practices to go a long with them. And although I am perhaps later than most women my age to have started having children, I don't feel that makes them any less valid.

So lately it seems like I have been getting a lot of questions about some things I do as a mother (really, as we do as parents). Most often I get asked about co-sleeping. Although I would guess there may be even close friends of mine who don't know that we co-sleep. We do. And I really am happy to answer questions about it.

In fact I set out to write a blog about it...not to defend it or say its what everyone should do, but to explain it, so that it (and we) will more fully be understood. I think that some people who know me are honestly concerned that I am making a horrid mistake. I'd like to set their (very well intended) minds at ease. And I think some people are honestly just curious about it and can't imagine how it would work.

The thing I realize though as set out to try to write about co-sleeping, is that its hard to really address that one isolated part of my parenting practices without delving into my much broader parenting philosophies (if that's what you want to call it...it's what I am calling it...several times already actually).

So I am going to.

Since its almost Mother's Day, and since it's been on my mind, and since its really the "thing" that I am most passionate about,

and because I want you to know that about me.

And I know I can talk about this stuff and we can still be friends...right? (Or feel free to ignore it all and spend your time enjoying the beautiful weather instead!)

Because the last thing I want is for you to feel judged. Or that by me saying what I believe to be true, makes me think what you believe or do is any less valid or correct.

OK so that's settled.

So over the next week...maybe two (I am not a rigidly scheduled person...something I'm sure you'll realize as this gets going) I am going to write lots and lots about mothering.

I make no promises of profundity (or even proper grammar). I am not an expert on any of it (except in my own mind). And I can't guarantee that in a year from now, I won't have changed my mind (although I doubt it).

It should be fun (for me anyway).