Tuesday, October 28, 2008

thinking aloud

People often think that I am quite extroverted. At least they used to. I am not sure what people would say about me now. The truth is that while I am fairly social, I have stretches of time where I just crave being alone with my thoughts. It's not that I don't want anyone around...its just that I don't want to have to be caught up in the hustle and bustle of socializing. I find that from time to time, I have to kind of shut off from the rest of the world and just check in with myself....see where I am, where I am going, what I am doing, and is it what I want to be doing in the big scheme of things? or have I gotten distracted. I think that most people have these kinds of thoughts, but they are probably able to have them amidst their everyday life. I have to disconnect from some aspects of my everyday life to really think about these things...to focus. So I have been doing that a bit lately. It feels good.

I have been thinking a lot about what I want for our family. What kind of example I want to be for my children. I have been so strongly impressed several times since having Avery of the magnitude of motherhood. I am so immensely grateful for the opportunity to be a mother. I have been entrusted with this precious soul--a charge that I take seriously, and I want to be worthy of that gift. I think about that a lot. As I watch her grow and change, I am constantly aware that although she is yet a baby, she is so much her own person, with her own unique needs and gifts. I find so much joy in getting to know her. And every night I pray that I will be sensitive to, and respond to those needs, and that I will know how to guide her through life. And although it has just been six moths since Avery came into our lives, I feel like I am learning.

A need to be a quieter, more gentle soul-- more still.

To trust my own self more fully--that I really do know who I am and its OK to be proud of that.

That I don't need to make everyone happy, and not everyone has to like me.

That speaking negative words makes me feel them more deeply. I don't want to be that kind of person.

To try to listen more, be more present, and more fully honest.

A strong desire to foster a joyful home...a place of solace and refuge.

Grateful that we all get to choose our path in life, that we get to make the decision to be happy... that I have so much to be happy about.

Grateful for freedom. Truly.
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