Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Believing in Fairies
On December 13th, 2007, with half a belly full of my little Avery, I beamed as I pulled into a parking spot designated for, "Expectant Mothers Only". I had decided to give myself a belated birthday gift, and so-- trying hard not to wet my pants-- made my way into the local branch of Fetal Fotos...a place we had mocked many times as we'd passed it in the mall.
If you'd have asked me if I knew what gender that little flippity fishy in my tummy was going to be I would have sworn up and down that I didn't know-- had no inkling...no premonition. I didn't.
If they'd have told us, "You're having a boy!" I'd have thought it was perfect. I'd have been so excited. "A boy! A boy! A Baby boy! How blessed we are to have a healthy boy!" And then I would have known a little more about him.
If they had told us it was a boy, I would have started picking out soft little blue baby what-nots, and picturing his brown curls (like his dad), and his brown eyes (like us both), and trying on names like Jack and Johnathan, and Oliver.
If they'd have told us it was a boy, my heart would have been full and happy and serene...except for that teeny tiny little part that mourned the loss of the baby girl I'd also been picturing. Because you see, up until the moment I knew, I'd had them both. I was always going to have to lose one of them.
About 4 years ago we were living in Omaha, Nebraska. I won't lie...Omaha isn't the most charming city, but there is a certain shop in its downtown cobblestone shopping district that housed some lovely little treasures. I took my mom to it while she was out for a visit and we came across the most darling little wall hangings. They depicted scenes from old fairy books, and they were dusted with sparkle.
Having always been enchanted with fairies (what girl isn't?), and taken with their vintage charm, I wanted them so badly. They were pricey and totally unjustified purchases, seeing as I had no daughter to bestow them on. But my mom, knowing wisely when I really did have to have something, and more wisely-- that you can't always find it later when you do in fact have a baby daughter, bought them for me with the promise of gift in such an event.
On December 13th, 2007, when the the bubbly girl in green scrubs with the magic ultrasound wand told us that she'd, "bet her job that it was a girl!", I was happy and excited and thrilled... beyond words really. It felt right. Suddenly I knew her better, began to picture her curls and eyes, and tried on names like, Margaret, and June, and Lila.
And I thought of the fairies.
Magical, enchanting, wonderful...just like my baby girl.
If you'd have asked me that December morning, if the babe in my belly was a boy or a girl, I would have told you that I positively didn't know. And I didn't.
I think I sort of did.
This weekend the fairies (who had somehow been misplaced for a time) arrived from grandma, wrapped carefully in tissue paper and with a big red bow, in a box marked "Miss Avery Jane Wilson",
who they'd been meant for all along.