warning...this post contains the word porn

I had a quite aggressive knock on my door followed immediately by two doorbell rings at approximately 6:15 pm this evening. I answered the door to find two grossly obese and smelling like smoke Comcast salesman. I have nothing against fat people...let's face it, I sort of am one...I am just trying to paint a picture here. Anyway, Fat guy #1 just launches into this whole schpeal about how they are making our neighborhood a "premium" neighborhood and do I know what that means? Um...that we are super cool? No?

No, it turns out it has something to do with our cable/Internet/phone service. He is sure that he can save me tons of money on my bills. Hmm. We'll see about that I say.

So he asks me, "What kind of TV do you have?"

I reply, " Oh yeah...we actually don't have TV"

He sort of doesn't hear me, and tries to clarify, "No I mean what TV provider are you currently using."

I say, " Yeah, we don't have one. We don't have our TV hooked up."

Him, "Oh, so what do you do for TV?"

I think he just thought I was so dumb that I didn't understand his question, because the possibility that we just didn't have TV was beyond his scope of logic"

Me, "Um we just don't really watch TV...we just don't have it"

Him, "You don't have a TV?

And he just got the most confused look on his face, like the thought of not having TV was just absurd to him. Like there was no preparation in his salesman training for that kind of answer.

Me, "No we have a TV, we just don't have TV service. We kick it old school with bunny ears." And then I actually winked at fat guy #2.

Fat guy #1... no response.

Anyway, the rest of little shpeel continued in much this same manner. I baffled him again when I told him that we also don't have phone service (we just use our cell phones) and we don't have Internet service either (we borrow our neighbors...she said it was OK). He drilled me about the number of movies we watch every month. I informed him about the $1 redbox, and I honestly think he had never heard of it before. He informed me that with his package I could get the "Starz" channel for free. I informed him that I am not into soft-core porn, but thanks anyway.

So I am trying to wrap up his little pitch so I can get back to tummy tickling my baby (which is what I am doing at 6:15 most evenings, and how dare he interrupt), and so I tell him thanks for his time and maybe if he leaves his card I'll call him if we ever decide to join the rest of civilized society and subscribe.

And he says to me, "OK well when he gets home give him this flyer and have him call me."

Um, he who? I didn't say anything about a "he", once, in the entire conversation, and I am pretty sure I am capable of making decisions about our utilities without "his" help. I almost laughed out loud. I think he was still thrown by our lack of TV...