Thursday, September 11, 2008

warning...this post contains the word porn

I had a quite aggressive knock on my door followed immediately by two doorbell rings at approximately 6:15 pm this evening. I answered the door to find two grossly obese and smelling like smoke Comcast salesman. I have nothing against fat people...let's face it, I sort of am one...I am just trying to paint a picture here. Anyway, Fat guy #1 just launches into this whole schpeal about how they are making our neighborhood a "premium" neighborhood and do I know what that means? Um...that we are super cool? No?

No, it turns out it has something to do with our cable/Internet/phone service. He is sure that he can save me tons of money on my bills. Hmm. We'll see about that I say.

So he asks me, "What kind of TV do you have?"

I reply, " Oh yeah...we actually don't have TV"

He sort of doesn't hear me, and tries to clarify, "No I mean what TV provider are you currently using."

I say, " Yeah, we don't have one. We don't have our TV hooked up."

Him, "Oh, so what do you do for TV?"

I think he just thought I was so dumb that I didn't understand his question, because the possibility that we just didn't have TV was beyond his scope of logic"

Me, "Um we just don't really watch TV...we just don't have it"

Him, "You don't have a TV?

And he just got the most confused look on his face, like the thought of not having TV was just absurd to him. Like there was no preparation in his salesman training for that kind of answer.

Me, "No we have a TV, we just don't have TV service. We kick it old school with bunny ears." And then I actually winked at fat guy #2.

Fat guy #1... no response.

Anyway, the rest of little shpeel continued in much this same manner. I baffled him again when I told him that we also don't have phone service (we just use our cell phones) and we don't have Internet service either (we borrow our neighbors...she said it was OK). He drilled me about the number of movies we watch every month. I informed him about the $1 redbox, and I honestly think he had never heard of it before. He informed me that with his package I could get the "Starz" channel for free. I informed him that I am not into soft-core porn, but thanks anyway.

So I am trying to wrap up his little pitch so I can get back to tummy tickling my baby (which is what I am doing at 6:15 most evenings, and how dare he interrupt), and so I tell him thanks for his time and maybe if he leaves his card I'll call him if we ever decide to join the rest of civilized society and subscribe.

And he says to me, "OK well when he gets home give him this flyer and have him call me."

Um, he who? I didn't say anything about a "he", once, in the entire conversation, and I am pretty sure I am capable of making decisions about our utilities without "his" help. I almost laughed out loud. I think he was still thrown by our lack of TV...

16 comments:

  1. this really made me laugh, which is good, because salesmen drive me nuts. We made some changes to our phone plan last month that apparently put us on a million call lists, so last week when someone called to do a survey about satisfaction in our state, I said, "Um...you're calling about what state again? Um, yeah. We're from Utah." (even though we do not actually LIVE in Utah at this point, so it was definitely a white lie)...and voila! No more annoying calls from that particular firm.

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  2. Too funny! I was totally laughing out loud - thanks for sharing.

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  3. Hilarious! We kick it old school with bunny ears, too. I think I can even top your out-datedness; our TV is the old bulged-out screen kind.

    My favorite lines from this post:
    "I answered the door to find two grossly obese and smelling like smoke Comcast salesman. I have nothing against fat people...let's face it, I sort of am one...I am just trying to paint a picture here." HA!

    and the part about winking at fat guy #2 -- you're hysterical!

    um, can you and avery come for a play date today; i miss you.

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  4. We kick it old school too. But we don't even have bunny ears. People think we're nuts. We're not... we're just smart :)

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  5. Comcast has been in the news a lot lately for their efforts to monitor and limit their customer's internet usage. Sounds like you have a better deal with your neighbor.

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  6. Ha, ha! You are so funny! We have bunny ears too! The reason why I found this soooo funny is that my little brother sold Dish last summer and Comcast this summer. He makes a lot of money cause he's good at manipulating the masses. The greatest thing about the whole spiel with Fat Guy #1 was the end of the conversation about "give him the flyer", because I use the "I actually need to talk to my husband first" card all the time, just so I can get rid of the salesman!

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  7. This is awesome! The street we just moved to gets those "we are selling magazines to get out of the ghetto" salesmen about 4x a week. Gah.

    I love that you read my blog. I also love that you are planning your daughters birthday party already (and you can SO justify the purchasing of pretty things for your girl. Even if she WASN"T the only one. Boy stuff can be boring...).

    I covet your onesies. Talented much?

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  8. Just checking in on all the family blogs. You are so funny. Thanks for sharing the story.
    XO,
    Staci and Randy

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  9. It good to hear that there are so many other sensible people out there who don't waste their money and time on expensive tv. Great story!

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  10. "spiel" is the word you're looking for. it's german and it means game. that was a funny story. i love you. come over to my page and give me some book ideas.

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  11. OK--That is WAY TOO FUNNY! I absolutely love it! We are old school with the bunny ears, too. Oh, that just tickled me silly. You also have a talent with words..both while talking to the cable guy and in writing it for all of us in cyber land to enjoy. I love you to pieces, Danielle...you are great! Now, go tickle some more toesies! (Avery is so beautiful!)... PS, I am prego and will find out gender on Oct.6th (providing the one in the womb cooperates!)

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  12. AMEN! Me and B don't even have bunny ears. Yeah, we are red box, youtube, hulu (awesome website), people and we're proud of it! I mean, who needs raunchy cable anyway!? I will cry the day we get it (I hope it never happens)...b/c let's face it: the only thing worth watching is the Discovery Channel, PBS (which is basic TV), and the BYU channel?!
    PS...my mom go this darling card from my grandma for her b-day (your "fat" comments brought this back to mind). Anyway, it had a picture of a lamb on it or a "ewe" and it was all cotton-y and fluffy on the card. On the inside it said, "Ewe's not fat, Ewes fluffy." COULD YOU DIE?! Isn't that the cutest thing ever?
    Okay, this comment is officially out of hand. I am SO done now.

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  13. Hilarious. I'm with you, except no bunny ears either. But a lot (a lot) of movies--both owned and rented. And I'm addicted to TV shows on DVD.

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  14. That is funny! I read it a second time so I could laugh again!

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  15. Wait a minute, isn't Starz a movie channel? As far as I know, it's not a dirty station.

    I hate door-to-door salesmen. I have a no soliciting sign on my door after the Jehovahs Witnesses (sp?) woke me up at 8am two weekends in a row! I've slept peacefully ever since :)

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  16. so did he call him when you gave him the flier or what?

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